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if you have a falling out with someone what do you do? I would imagine most people talk and gossip for the first month or two. hey you might even make outrageous posts on myspace doctoring up conversations to make the person look really bad. but 12 months later would you still be so pathetic to keep posting and trashing that person? I understand she has little self worth being she has all these upbeat self help lines written on her mirrors and jotted down elsewhere and probably repeating them out loud on a daily basis. but do you go so far to make yourself feel better to trash talk the same individual over and over and over again for a year?? someone really must be hung up on me more than she'd like to admit. by chance we end up at the pediatrician on the same day on the same hour for our kids. odd but not really a care for me. I glanced and noticed her staring at me while I was playing with my son. Tina looks over and sees her constantly watching us. how disturbing is that???
be a drunk. be a disgruntled bitch because you can't lose the weight. be selfish because you've had such a crappy life you'd do anything to make it better even including ripping on old boyfriends. lie constantly so you'll actually have something interesting to say because let's face it, it's only interesting if it's bad so keep embellishing so people will listen. it must suck to be 28 going on 21 hitting the bars constantly because you can't really be a grown up and take responsibility for your life. but why should you when you bat you eyelashes to get people to do it for you? and of course you couldn't dare actually pay attention to your son. you're just so busy working and being the social queen that he has disruptive behavior that the school has to call you to tell you what a fuck up your kid is turning out to be. nice
good going mom! good going and next time he has an ear infection I hope you actually buy the medicine instead of you friends or boyfriend.
and I hope you can really develop enough self esteem to not worry about what your friends might think about you being seen dating a guy. you really shouldn't care if they think you're just a "boring bisexual."
that's real self esteem.toxcicity level:  amused humming along with: Aimee Mann - Pavlov's Bell |
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a honest to god actual fucking post!!! stay tuned for regular updates. well if you're approved to read them anyways. i still have a stalker.humming along with: Dido - Take My Hand |
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ever see cheech marin in uhf? :)
any ways i'm due to write and i've been pushing myself to do it for a while but most days i'm either too tired or distracted.
some things have been going on. not a lot worth mentioning but a few that are is the new roommate.
Tina should be moved in on Friday. honestly i miss julie and i did everything i could to get her something going here but i couldn't afford her not working anymore so i'm glad her aunt was able to get her something going elsewhere. i need stable money and tina can provide it. and i've known tina longer and better than i ever knew julie and she knows me. i enjoyed her visit a couple weeks ago. sara didn't know what to make of the baby. she just kept her distance creeping around and when she came too close she hissed and ran. she'll get used to it eventually. now compacted with another cat being here i'm kinda curious to see what happens. hopefully she won't start pulling her fur out.
got a raise and a promotion at work so i'm now making $8 an hour as a photo tech. my my the pics i see *giggle*. and i got more hours. so i'm seeing some decent checks. i went and bought my first reward for myself.... a new computer case. quite pleased with it. i never had one this nice and flashy. i'll upgrade the last couple pieces in it in a couple months.
and i was able to start paying my dad the money for the house and insurance. i was so very very happy to do so and kept getting after him to come get the check so i could bask in it
truck is running great. brake lights came on permanently after i hit a puddle a month back but they still work so i'm gonna leave it alone till i have some slush money again. right now i just want to concentrate on getting caught up on bills and pay off some old. and buy me some pretty new things.
made a couple new friends lately and am wanting to meet up with them in person and i get a few girls at work flirting with me so that's cool. but it's coming up on the year anniversary of me being single and i still don't know after the recent disasters if i should look to change that. i've had a lot of questions presented to me about where i am in my life by others around me. nothing so bad but general stuff. religion, career, school.
i can defiantly feel some changes in me that are good. i knew leaving ohio would help me let go of some of my anger and bigotry. not to say i see things differently. i just feel differently.
oh i've been looking at a spiritualist of sorts. one line in an interview he gave was "i always tell people not to create an image of me, because no matter what image you create, it never conforms to reality. when you create images, then sooner of later they're defiled. be like my wife and children who never take me seriously."
that right there says why people are so lame. they always make assumptions about me and take everything i say too seriously. i shift around a lot on my views and feelings from issue to issue to really get an image of me. and sometimes i say things just honestly to say them to see what kind of reaction i'll get.
his name is deepak chopra. look him up. he is a believer in the christian god which also brings into question how i really feel about god. he's not of a denomination and he does reject old views and god is outmoded. now i take that out of a topic he discussed so don't take it in bad context.
"religion has become divisive, quarrelsome and idiotic"
but he is a faithful believer in god. he donates over 20 million to charities and his 2 foundations and lives a modest life. i could really look up to someone like that. so i'm going to look at his books. he's wrote over 40toxcicity level: calm humming along with: Boys Don't Cry - I Wanna Be a Cowboy |
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Feb. 7th, 2005 @ 03:32 am
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honestly right now i feel so sick. i felt like crying for an hour earlier and now i am. not blubbering just tears. and i tried to have a drink but it just made my stomach turn. guess i'm not much for drinking when i'm upset. i think i'm just going to go to sleep and hope tomorrow fairs better.toxcicity level:  sick |
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i'm so terribly comfused what anyone wants from me. are they just there for the ride?
ugh i guess that comes off a little insulting but i just don't understand.
so if i do something and i do it for myself but i don't get interpret it or feel it the same way as they want then i'm no good.
i'm lost. i dunno.
why involve feeling in something and then set a standard. might as well say i should be a driven ambitious coroprate bacon earning man. i know some people judge that as the standard of what they require from their mate. no waivering no compromise. no middle ground. love i guess has it's limits. it's not good enough unless you get this spit and polish that you want to go with it.
no matter how hard i try i can't be what someone else wants me to be unless what i am is what they want. i should think that my heart and soul would give me merit.
if i can still feel god in my heart and love him and bring him into me in every way i know how or am capable of shouldn't that be worthy of that love.
i can't change what's been done to me or what i've been through. i don't think i can even change how my view and feeling of life has been reinforced in me. i am forced to feel overwhelming rejection and abandonment. it's made me compulsive. it's made me paranoid. always expecting the worst. i never feel right for anyone. i never feel good enough or that i don't do or say all the wrong things.
i don't know how to be friends with someone i want.
i feel so alone. |
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well here's the skinny
i got advancement at work to the photo dept which is what i wanted when i applied. means more hours and more per hour. matter of fact i'm going back into work here in a bit for some overtime.
money is tight but my roomate is working agian so it should pick back up here very soon.
still mulling over the course catalogs i got for the art school. i am waiting to spend some time with emily before i will make any decision since she said she'd help.
met a couple new friends last week. went out to a coffee shop and sat chatting for a few hours and i honestly had a good time after i absorbed it and talked to them about some concerns about myself. i'm irrational what can i say. they came back saturday and dyed my hair which looks real good. i have to admit i intentionally asked rhi to do it because i know she's been dieing to play with my curls but needed a push. it was wonderful though. i'm very happy to have met them and i look forward to talking each day.
havn't been sleeping much lately so i'm pretty tired. i am wanting to lay down as i'm typing this but i'd be afraid i'd fall asleep. i'm off the next two days anyways so it doesn't matter.
write more later...
Feb. 1st, 2005 @ 06:02 pm
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| » be careful with me |
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this says a lot of who I am. and I know what happens when people try to tell me not to be or to hurt me. I become toxic. just a little warning.
I'm Sensitive
by Jewel
I was thinking that I might fly today
Just to disprove all the things that you say
It doesn't take a talent to be mean
You words can crush things that are unseen
So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way
You always tell me that it's impossible
To be respected, and be a girl
Why's it gotta be so complicated
Why you gotta tell me if I'm hated
So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way
When I was thinking, that it might do some good
If we robbed the cynics and took all their food
That way what they believe will have taken place
And we can give it people who have some faith
So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way
I have this theory, that if we're told we're bad
Then that's the only idea we'll ever have
But maybe if we are surrounded in beauty
Someday we will become what we see
'Cause anyone can start a conflict
it's harder yet to disregard it
I'd rather see the world from another angle
We are everyday angels
Be careful with me 'cause I'd like to stay that way
Jan. 25th, 2005 @ 04:56 pm
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| » so who am I |
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who am I and what's going on inside this head.
I'm just afraid I'll never find peace. that semblance of stability and contentment. I guess I could say I'm content but it never goes beyond that for long. I can hear certain people saying things to justify their positions right now but you really don't understand. it's easy to rationalize your side and think I don't know how I feel or what I feel.
that I can't distinguish love from friendship.
love is something different to everyone. it has it's own meaning. context. and definition of being. mine just doesn't match up with many other's but that's ok I guess. it just means I won't waste too much time with any one person that isn't the right person.
I think a lot has to do with fear. they let their fear control them so much so how can they accept how I feel much less how they really do.
sharing one's bed doesn't make you care or love but sharing one's family and soul does. but it's easy to deny and easy to make someone a scapegoat or a bad guy so to speak.
I hate it when they do that to me. they just can't be honest with themselves that they care even if it's not what they want. they find it much easier to find an enemy in me and blame it all on me than to confront what they are feeling and say "hey it feels great but it's just not time for me".
I'm not perfect. I know I have a lot of abandonment issues that tend to make me over analyze everything someone says and it makes me paranoid often. and defensive. I will nurture my fears and either latch on tighter or push them away. it scares me to think that no one will ever stay in my life.
I am always in pain. even if my face or words say otherwise. I question the nature of everything anyone does and wonder why. or will they keep doing it. it makes it hard to have genuine friendships when you think everyone will leave. and some will no matter what. they hop from one person's life to another but some will stay. and the tragedy of it I suppose is that I presume everyone will hop out of my life so I keep that far away. I keep them at a safe spot and when they leave I just shrug my shoulders or find it a reason to resent people. the few I do get close to often are ones I hope could be more. I don't think I confuse friendship and love. for one they are hand in hand. but secondly you first have to have friends to know what they are like. mine have always left or betrayed me. but I do know what love is. I do know it's touch. the depth and compassion and desire to hold on forever. I suppose one could say that is what some friends are. but to me it's not. maybe I can do something to change that. but I know what real love is. the physical and spiritual kind. the one that makes you do anything for a person no matter the cost. it's life death and everything in between. that hardly does it justice but it's the first thing that came to mind at the moment.
I know I only let some people in my life with the possibility of it being love. they are the ones I get attached to until I find fault or incompatibility of any kind.
Anita taught me that about myself. I don't have to settle I don't have to accept things I'm not comfortable with or don't want because I can't find anything better. I know that's wrong and it's what I've done for my entire lifetime till her. if I maintain a solid interest in you it's because I know I see myself with you. not fault no irrational demands or questions. no action makes me question what kind of person you are.
I would hate to think people really belive I just find anyone. anyone will do. I am really quite particular and have turned several people away in the last year since I learned my lesson.
so anyone that reads this. if I stay it's because I want to be there. it's because I see potential even if you don't think I should. just accept that I have the right to feel something and if you can't return it be honest. don't beat around the bush or tell me how I really should feel or what I am feeling isn't what I think. I know it would make your life easier to belive I don't care so you don't have to feel bad. but that's life. sometimes you can't avoid bad feelings, hurt or disappointment. we all manage to get back up after the blow and get moving on our journey again.
if you ever want to know what i feel or understand why i can't conform to what everyone else may perceive as how it has to be, listen to elsewhere by sarah mclachlan. everyone has their little world and that is mine. one aspect anyways
Jan. 25th, 2005 @ 03:10 pm
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| » you knew it was going to happen |
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so here i am with my head feeling lofty and high as a kite
it's hard to know what to say and what to feel but right now i feel total tranquility
it's so hard for me to trust
but yet i have opened up to this person with dogearded pages at the worst and best for her to read and reread at her leisure. i can't and won't hide from my past to make myself shine without a sight of tarnish.
she held me as i told her all the things that crossed my mind in a sea of jumbled thoughts. i could skip to one after another. make a starting point in one where most people would be lost and clueless to what i was saying. she understood it all and crushed me into her a little more.
am i beautiful. am i lovely. or desirable.
amd i sweet. am i confident?
she tells me yes
unspoken at times but i can see it in her eyes.
i see the reflection of myself in her and see what i want to see in myself.
she invited me into her home. into her santuary and to her bed. no false gestures of physical touch or intent. just innocence and sincerity.
total trust as she layed there leaving her neck exposed to me as she showed no fear or restraint.
and though in the blinding darkness of the room i could see her as clearly as i could see the darkness. totally.
we lost track of time as we lost ourselves in the touch of fingers funbling agianst each other's face and anywhere we felt safe to open to the other.
"don't go any farther. it has to have meaning"
i counted the kisses she layed upon me till i couldn't keep score because it wasn't a game. there was no meaning in numbers or how it came as long as it came and it felt right. it felt unique as i quiverd and tingled from the start to the end. and end that knows no real ending.
Dec. 12th, 2004 @ 03:46 am
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| » (No Subject) |
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so I went out to dinner with a new friend on myspace last night. had a great time we sat around talking about just anything. and I remembered the drama I had talking online to a couple people I had been on a date or maybe two. they got really insecure that I had made a new female friend and was going out to dinner and a drink with her. I don't have male friends generally. I don't get along with them and it made me think of my ex sherry who was so insecure she wouldn't let me have any friends that were female. I told one of them why would I date you if you feel threatened by everyone I know and spend time with? and as I was sitting there at dinner I was thinking of some of the friends I had made lately and how it relates to where I want to be in life. I seriously have no desire for drama and have out grown the people that give me so much of it. I was kinda afraid to say the hell with them cause they are my friends and I cared about them but they obviously weren't going to be good for me. or maybe I saw things in them that I saw in my old self and old life that I didn't want anymore. I see them as childish and petty and trivial. I'm not that and I don't need those people in my life anymore. or at least that's the way I make them out to be from personal opinion and experiences. but either way I'm so happy with the direction my life has been taking for the past couple years.
Dec. 1st, 2004 @ 12:42 pm
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